I got the call from our fifteen year old daughter, "Have you heard from Dad, he was supposed to pick me up and he didn't show up." My stomach began to twist into knots, my husband was not the kind of man who didn't show up for our kids.
A bit of paralysis, a feeling in my stomach, a tightness in my chest, I had to force myself to breath...
The phone range again, this time my oldest daughter, "I can't find dad, where is dad,", she was getting in the car to go look for him. Twenty minutes later I get the call of her screaming in a panic.
A numbness began to take over, "Are you sure, how do you know!!" Then the Officer gets on the phone, "Mrs. Lewis is your husband a Sergeant with the City of Riverside Police Department, I'm sorry there is no easy way to tell you this." My daughter Kayla, screaming, it's dad, it's dad, I can see him, it's dad!"
Powerlessness, fear, rage....How is this even happening?
NO, it's not supposed to happen like this!
He was the one who was supposed to be here during times like this, helping other people in their horror....He was supposed to be here with his strong heart and body to hold me, to comfort me, to comfort our children and reassure them that everything is going to be okay, now he was gone.
No one can truly know the depths of your pain and what it does to you physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually when you experience this level of trauma.
Genuinely caring people came in and tried to bring comfort, they bring you meals, send flowers, call, send texts and try so desperately to uplift you and help you not to have to go through it alone.
I was alone, even though you can see me in my body, a piece of my soul had just left and with it my wholeness.
I scream, I cry, I beg for this not to be happening, but it IS happening, it happened.
Then everything became a whirlwind, having to make decisions I wasn't prepared to make and certainly did not WANT to be making, when what I truly wanted was to lay down in the ground beside him and go to sleep.
The truth is that a piece of me did lay down and go to sleep that day, it had to in order to survive such trauma filled, painful events.
This is why my mentors and Master Teachers from the Andes teach Soul Retrieval, a piece of us disassociates in order to survive the trauma and get through it. Often getting stuck there, the energy of an event may trigger your body's natural survival response physically, mentally and emotionally creating the complexity of reliving the event all over again.
But something else happened to me during that time, forced to face the unknown in how I was going to be able to get through this and care for my children, all our animals and our home, I needed to dig deep and find my way through.
My ordinary perception became magnified, and because I choose to believe in a Source that loves unconditionally, I began to trace back to experiences and messages that had unfolded even before the accident that had prepared me for this exact moment when I would need them the most.
My days are spent being very gentle with myself, in my heightened sensitivity and healing, I am very intentional about how I spend my time and who I share energy with.
I am also extremely grateful for the shamanic wisdom teachings that have allowed me to clear heavy energies, release fears and even my physical pains that appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and know that death truly is the opportunity for completing a cycle and ascending, so new life can begin.
If you too are going through an immense upheaval or time of change in your life, I want to remind you to be gentle with your heart, guard your energy, practice a lot of self-care, and give yourself permission to trust yourself along the way.
In Munay, (service of love)
May you experience abundant love, peace and harmony on your own Soul's Path to healing.